seriously. i have no money to pay my phone bill til tomorrow b/c i've been dealing with this annoying company for like seven months using a phone i hate. well, needless to say, with my clumsiness, i dropped one of the phones that we ended up replacing and the screen shattered. so now we owe $100 for the deductible for that on top of the phone bill. so my phone is turned off til tomorrow! what is that?! i'm sorry but that just makes me feel....idk....not good. i don't want to be that person, but what am i supposed to do when i can't work v.much?! so my guy has to pay the money and then on friday, when i get some sort of paycheck, then i'll pay him back. 
but the problem is that today i was actually super motivated. i was going to make a ton of phone calls and now all i can do is email. bleh.


but i'm getting further along with my book and i'm super excited about it. i wrote a bit about it on my writing blog.


i also had something totally crazy happen last night and my guy CANNOT believe how i reacted to it. or rather, my lack of reaction to it. my fog has been beyond horrible and i'm just in a stupor.
i'm overfed and hormonal and just totally out of it.
i mean, who forgets two things for their child in less than one hour? (did i write about that the other day?) and then what i did, which i can't write just, well, just because....it was so stupid and ditzy and i still don't even really care. and it's kind of a big deal. like really. but whatever. i have other things to worry about, you know. i'm in bed right now, about to leave to take the kid to school. 


yeah, so i'm back. actually cleaned up the garage a little bit and ate something. something real. and i got out the chicken Now so that it's thawed by the time i get ready to make the chop suey or whateveritis i'm making. i already forgot and i just looked at it lol


now i'm chatting with a friend about the craziness that is our lives (she's going through disability stuff, as well, but for different reasons -- yet another invisible illness, though, which is just no fun) and i'm trying to finish this blog, and i'm re-working the query my author friend was awesome enough to rip apart, as well as re-working a certain part of my concept because it just needs to be done (again...info on my writing blog). man, how freaking bad is it that i don't even remember if i've mentioned it here or not?
i've had fog a lot, but it's just RIDICULOUS lately. seriously..
part of me feels like there's not much point in writing b/c i don't even know what i'm saying :P


ok, so i DIDN'T write on here what i'm doing with the book.
i had a conversation with the man last night and he just didn't understand the fogginess/fuzziness and my general 


um...idk what i was saying. b/c i was writing this yesterday and just stopped haha


i'm thinking it was that he doesn't understand my general zombie-like attitude. cause that's pretty much how i am. granted, i'm up on anti-depressants b/c of my HRT, but if i didn't have that higher dose, wow... i'm still sort of on edge.


anyway, i'm ending this now because i have a PLAN for this blog!! a good one. you shall see :))
all my zero readers haha....

soon!!! =D


btw...it was sweet and sour chicken i made haha. and it was good!

woke up feeling *sort of* all right. i ate a bit and was having fun with my kid. i slept a good amount, i think. 
but then i forgot the cardinal rule. 
--just b/c you feel ok doesn't mean you ARE ok--
so i went around cleaning my house. it all started b/c i needed to find some papers, and it led to me cleaning up the computer desk (we have two computers, a printer, and a netbook on it...an L-shaped desk in the corner -- not exactly an easy task :P).
then i decided to pick up around the rest of the room. and do some dishes. 
we pretty much spend all of our time in the back room -- i guess you could call it the family room. our living room barely even gets walked into anymore, which is sad b/c it's a nice, big room and i used to spend all my time there when i lived here before. 
but the thing is, this back room (technically a third bedroom, but super large -- it was an attached, one-car garage that was turned into a room when the separate garage was built) is the only room that gets cluttered. 
b/c we're Always in it. so it was a lot of work to clean up. and it's not even done.
so now my muscles are not happy and i have a headache and all the energy and momentum i did have just went down the drain. i'm hungry and my eyes hurt and i have articles to write, so i have NO choice but to be on the computer for a minimum of 3 hours -- even though i'd like to do 5.
and i waste the time i have with no distractions doing this stupid other stuff. i can clean any time! why do i do it when the kiddo's in school? i have to leave...oh, right now, actually, to go get her and i'll be distracted the rest of the day. the 3 hrs i wanted will be 5 just because they'll turn into that. but i'll only get 3 hrs worth of work done.
this is why i was saying the other day about getting an office. leasing something just for a bit each day and taking my girl to the boys and girl's club. she has a membership i don't even use...
k, off to get her. i'll finish this when i get back.......


well, what a surprise! i came home from getting the girl and my grandma showed up. i forgot she was coming over to help me wash dishes. yeah, sounds weird. thing is, i'm using random dishes right now b/c the ones i had were still all packed in the garage. so now, once those are in and clean, i can rearrange my cabinets and get everything back to how it used to be.
so it's nice and all to have the help, but i had just taken a painkiller b/c my hips were soooo bad and i really haven't even sat down in 2 hrs.
so obviously i haven't gotten any articles done. no 3 hrs on the internet, which means i have to do it tonight when my guy's home -- and that just sucks. at least he has tomorrow off so he can stay up later and we can hang out. but i wanted my work done before he came home. i've been feeling so horrible lately because of this dang medicine that i know i'm just kind of blah and if i'm not, i'm moody and i just wanted some good quality time
but now my knees just hurt and i feel so unaccomplished.


which makes me actually remember about an office. i sooo wish i could have a space to go to -- just for a few hours a day where i wouldn't have distractions. which is dumb b/c i *do* have an office...the back room doesn't have a bed or anything, but it's still in my house....so it's an issue. people don't understand that this is a job even though i'm home. i need a time where i can't take calls, when my kid is gone (school or b&g club or with family or whatever), and when i can just get stuff done. 
just what i need to get paid. but then that'd be dumb to pay out for an office space and internet and everything else when i have it all at home :P


just wishful thinking. i do a lot of that!!!!


i'm kind of all over the place with my moods. today i'm a bit numb b/c i think the dual effect of the higher dose of my anti-depressant finally kicked in. so i'm not irritable or crappy -- i'm just here. which is good for the time being, and i know it will go away, but it just makes me feel ........   heck, i don't even know how i feel. numb. 
that's the problem.
(speaking of -- have you seen that movie? with matthew perry? i actually Really liked it...)


my arms hurt...my elbows from holding my arms up b/c my desktop keyboard is in the way so my left arm isn't supported since my netbook is off to the side.
my hips don't hurt but will soon. probably in about another hour i'll need more medicine and i was wanting not to take any more. i just wanted to get through a few hours. but if i want to make it through the night, i'll need more, which sucks. i don't like taking more than i already do. i took a picture the other day of my medicine drawer and it was actually comical. and it didn't even count the rubbermaid of supplements!
i *know* my knees kill from walking around and standing for two hours when i should have been sitting. they don't hurt at the moment since i'm finally sitting, but last time i was up...yeah. ow.
vicodin makes me hot normally, but with these hot flashes, it's even worse. i'm sitting here dying right now and the humidity is not helping. i have the door open for air flow and i really shouldn't, but i need it.
and humidity is horrible for lupus. idk why...inflammation or whatever. even if it's cool out, the humidity is just horrible. i want to move back to where i used to live so i don't have to be in this weather anymore, but my family is here and school started and a lot of other reasons we can't move. maybe in a couple years....
at least my headache is gone -- for now. i just want to relax and watch a movie or something, but if i do that, i know i wouldn't enjoy it because i'd feel even worse about not doing anything.


it's just interesting that the one day i thought i actually had a chance not to push myself (except for work stuff), i end up doing more than usual. #storyofmylife


ok, enough rambling.
normally i'm not a complainer, but this is for documentation, so i'm just trying to be honest about how my body and mind feel...so if i sound whiny, well, that's not me. 
it's honestly, truly for the cause.


which reminds me, i had the perfect beginning of my book in my head, but then i had to leave the room and didn't write it down. now i don't have a clue. grrrr.
had that happen with my sequel last night, but at least i got that typed out on my phone..
i hope i can at least remember what it started with.
OMG -- and i'm not one to say that. i actually just remembered!! that never happens...my short-term memory is shit anyway, and this fog i'm in --lupus, fibro, meds -- hasn't been helping.


ok, so i'm off to write the beginning before i forget and it's gone forever!!